Dan Devries

Dan Devries killed himself on Friday. I heard about it yesterday while I was in class. I didn't really know the guy but we were in school together since elementary school. We also went to festivals and South Dakota together. He was always kind of a dick & I don't think he liked me all that much but maybe he was just sad.

This whole deal makes me sad. Not only is suicide sad but he is the first kid in my graduating in my class to die. He's also the first person I've known who's died since my Grandpa. It's just so sad.

This also forced me to think about I would feel or what I would do if someone I was close to died. It made me so sad

I feel really bad for Julia. I know her and Dan had a pretty strong thing going on for a while. I'm sure she feels like shit.

Sometimes I get sad

...Just say anything (else)

Decisions, decisions

I make my best decisions in the morning. They may be rash & a little harsh but they are honest & what's best for me

Stuck ina box

Today is the last full day of the UW food study... and it sucks
Mike came to see me this morning and that was nice
So did my Mom... and that wasn't so nice. That woman annoys me like nobodys business. She thinks we're so close and we're simply not. Yeah I talk to her sometimes but that's because I sometimes need to talk to somebody. I don't extpect her remember anything I say and she never does; she also repeats what I just said in question form aka the most obnoxious thing someone can do in a conversation. And she does that all the time
Fuck I'm bored in this hosital room... and now hungry

You cant always get what you want

I had a revelation via this song; it's so true. Life's not a fairy tale & I have to buck up & continue on, no matter what happens
I have to be strong & not let things bother me, but keep depth & substance

I have been strong, even cocky & this will soon even out

Phil called me. Yesterday we talked for two hours. Tonight I watched a movie & he called me but I missed the call because I didn't hear it ring. I wonder what he wanted to talk about
This isn't what I want or need but, god, it feels good! It's that time where I stay the course & keep on keeping on. He doesn't want to be with me & I don't want to be his tool
But what if we did live happily ever after?
We'd probably end up in some ironic situation like living in a trailer park with three kids, a pit bull & no money. But I do wonder if I'd be happy. I know our kids would be beautiful

Reasons why Andy sucks

He is needy with his constant random text messages and times when he wants to hang out. He makes that stupid face every five minutes; I know he wants me to make a cute face back but, for one, I don't feel that way, we're not dating and it would feel like a lie, that I don't owe him, to oblige this want. He a twenty five year old who lived with his Mom until very recently, no job, no car, no future in site or any desire to really change any of that. He gets jealous, won't stop touching me or stop saying 'cute' things when we're in public. He didn't invite me to his friend's wedding, he doesn't buy me drinks or food, have green or offer things when he does have them. He's bipolar and best friends with Pat. He doesn't ever have any ideas on what to do. He tries to stay over when he's not invited. He refuses to take the bus and expects me to find him rides. He bitches about his unemployment checks like its some right for him to get them. He pouts. He's dumb. I can't have a real conversation with him. He always wants to talk about himself and never asks me how I feel or any questions about me. He can't keep a secret. He makes me angry when I try to talk to him. I feel no passion and he makes me feel a guy. I use him and I just feel numb. He's always drunk. Andy is not for me because of so many things it's become productive.
Andy sucks
He's a list of things I don't want to be, don't want in a man and has made me realize there are worse things than being alone

Three Words I Long to Hear

If you thought those three words were "I love you" then you guessed wrong; close but still wrong. "Where's my Mommy?" is the phrase that I am looking for. I've spent this Fourth of July weekend with my family in Ohio and it's been great but it's also revived my longing for a baby and my fear of being a bad Mom. My cousin Jill's kid Dylan is almost three and adorable. He's far from perfect but I think that's from lack of attention and parenting. He doesn't talk much and is a bit violent. He has two older brothers and they all worship the ground their mother walks on, which is strange considering she's not around all that much and is cold to her children. The whole family gives them what they want and it has turned them into brats. I think the lack of attention has caused the kids to act out in violent and destructive ways. They are all good kids, they just need some loving and disapline. In the time that I spent with Dylan I got him to stop hitting and have fun.

Fuck Chad. This happens every time we see eachother: we have a great time, call eachother for about a week and then it just stops. It doesn't hurt anymore, because I'm expecting it, it just pisses me off. He doesn't need to say he misses me, or whatnot, when he doesn't. I'm a big girl and can handle myself and my emotions just fine. I think what happended this time is got salty because I drove with Seppa to St. Paul. What am I supposed to do?! Tickets cost $100, I don't have