Choke on This

Becca and I watched the movie 'Choke' today and it was really good. It was explicit but still had a great plot. The movie made me think about how I don't want my life to turn out like that but maybe I'm just living it safe. Maybe it's time to get this job and break out of the box, but secretly. Hopefully it will all turn out as planned.

There was also a scene that reminded me of Seppa. The main character doesn't remind me of him at all, except for this scene. It's the one where the girl is passed out after giving this guy a hand job as favor and the guy that likes her walks in and starts freaking out. So the main tells him it's not a big deal and that she's a good girl and basically that he should leave and pretend that this didn't happen. The guy believes it and you later see the two holding hands and assume that they're a happy couple. I just see Seppa pulling some 'Seppa Church' like that.

I look like a lesbian. I mean, I try to and I think I look nice but it still somehow comes out (haha). This is not something I realized today, but something I was thinking about. Will I still find my boy? I'm sure I will, I just hope he doesn't think I bat for the other team.

We also read her old diaries which were super cute

If you don't have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true?

My Mom texted me this morning that South Pacific was TCM. I was knitting and watching it and then Mom and I texted for a bit. We talked about our favorite songs and how bla bla looks like my Mom's old Barbie doll. I told her how Dad loved the song 'Happy Talk' and how he introduced me to the movie. Apparently she didn't know about any of that, which surprised me. He called me the other day. I accidentally answered my phone before I realized it was him, so I hung up on him. I never meant to be rude like that but I don't want to talk to him. I also wouldn't normally answer and hang up the phone because I like to hear the voicemails. I wonder what he's thinking. I know he misses me but I want to know if he's sorry or excepts that somethings wrong. I've been missing him lately. It's not time yet. Ideally I'd like to wait a year and a half after graduation, but the soonest I'd be willing to cheat is after English is over with. I can't take the risk of getting sad when there's schoolwork to be done. Its surprising me how soon this is going through my mind. I always thought he wouldn't cross my mind for ten years but I'm obviously not that strong.

I'm watching 'Teen Mom'. It makes me sad :/ But Ashley, Michael and LA are coming over to play cards. It should be fun and I'm excited.

Plasma and bad brownies

Today I had a English presentation and it kicked ass. I wore my glasses and it made me feel smart. It was me, Rachael and Tara. My job was to analyze the vocabulary and voice and I think I did a nice job. Ms. Redfield and a few other people complimented me and it felt nice.

Then I donated and Alex talked to me a bunch.He said he liked my glasses. He's such a cutie. We talked about his band and gypsy jazz and he brought me over a crossword he had been working on. It was taped to a piece of cardboard, he's so sweet. He helped me with my machine and I asked him if he was authorized to do that because he didn't have a lab coat, he thought that was funny. Before I left he invited me to his next show, but its not til March. It's at The High Noon Saloon and I really hope it's open to all ages because that would be embarrassing if it was 21+. Damn I wish he'd ask me out. I don't even care about the beard.

I made brownies for my dinner with Quinn and they turned out terrible! The were too stiff and stuck to the pan, it was embarrassing. Quinn made a pasta dish that was super good. We also watched 'Young Frankenstein' which is super funny but I fell asleep a bunch of times. Yet another embarrassing feet, fuck my life. Overall the date was kind of boring but I guess you can't win 'em all. He didn't make a move, even though he walked me home. I find this super weird. I hope he's not waiting for me to because he's going to be waiting a long time...

Thoughts I can't help but having

Yesterday was my date with Quinn. We saw 'Sherlock Holmes' at Point and he paid which was very nice of him. I had a lot of fun but I'd already seen the movie and he said hes not a movie talker so I didnt say anything during the movie. After the movie we hung out at Seppa's for a bit before class and Seppa made potpesto, with lots of oil and butter, which I later found out made me sick. I had a stomach ache at Urban today and I get one every time I eat. I know, a fate worse than death. Especially when I have homemade chili and spaghetti in my fridge. Oh the agony. Overall, it was a nice date but Quinns not my type and I decided I don't like him like that.

Today was the Urban inventory day and I got there close enough to on time. Five in the a.m. is much too early. The people there were nice. Gillian (the tiny manager) is gorgeous and adorable in a weird Liza Minelli/Elizabeth Taylor kind of a way. Our group got one twenty minute break and I was there from five to three but I got sit on the floor a lot so it could've been worse. I talked with the girls during break. They were really nice, I don't think they especially did or didn't want to talk to me but they liked some of the stuff I had to say. One of the girls was talking about going to NYC and we started talking about meeting famous people ad I told them about Halloween and meeting Cage The Elephant's backup guitarist. They knew who they were and seemed disappointed (like me) that he was an ass. Later, I started a nice talk about decade resolutions. Overall it was successful but, sadly, I don't think they'll be offering me a job.

Tophers a stupid drunk jealous loser. Thats what that whole house is full of, bros. on the other hand, I hate that I don't want to share them. I don't want to mix worlds and perceptions of me. I like those things in neat little boxes that I can control to my liking. I don't want people I don't trust mucking in my new affairs. I want them for myself and I don't want them to see through to the truth. The truth that I'm a scared, immature, loser who likes to put on different people to suit my mood and confidence level.

I'd also like to say I'm very excited that the Beccas back and that I'm kickin' it with her :D
I'm sorry that I've hurt you but I know I felt it needed to be done

I keep having this varying reoccurring dream where something happens and I either fight or run away but I can't do either very well. It's all in slow motion and I can't speed up or gain momentum. Or maybe I'm just not strong enough. It feels like I'm moving through heavy sand. And while I'm in the process of punching/running I feel shame and hopelessness because I'm pathetic and know it's going to suck and can't do even slightly better. The harder I try the harder it is to move. Phil also randomly pops up in these dreams as either a bystander/presence or the person I'm trying to hurt, but can't.

I have to buy a Helix pipe. Now I just need to find a place that sells it

Resolutions

I was donating and one of the staff asked me what my 'decade resolution' is and I realized I don't have any resolutions. I decided I'm going to try and come up with some good resolutions before the 1st week ends of the new year

Resolutions for 2010:
1. Make myself truly happy
2. Quit smoking cigs
3. Get a job
4. Look nice
5. Clean more often
6. Eat less
7. Walk more
8. Be nice
9. Eat fiber
10. See more movies (in theaters)

Decade Resolutions: Have a house and a family