The Ride Back

We're back. The drive was sooo long. It felt like at least three times as long as the initial trip down there. Becca and I ate at Ruby Tuesday's-a knock off of TGIF-and had a great meal at a great deal. We also decided to have a food competition; one where we can only eat a meal of our choice until one of us breaks. We both chose salads, its starts tomorrow, and I can't wait. I originally said I was would do pasta, fruit or gummy bears but all of those would cause me, if this goes on for any length of time, to either get fat or pass out from lack of nutrients.

I'm sure whats happening in my mind about Phil. I had a great time with him and he seems to be doing really well, and this makes me happy and sad. I love that he's doing what he set out to do but this means he will never come back. I started missing him the moment I left his neighborhood. This feels like closure but in the sense that I've put the hope for us, along with my heart, to rest. Before the trip he was a constant sad haze over my life, now I feel lighter but uncontrollably start crying every time I even mention his name. It's embarrassing I've to carry eye drops and can't wear makeup. Before there was a heavy stone now there's nothing. My chest literally feels empty. I'm not sure what's worse.

He didn't kiss me or try to do anything physical. I don't know what that means. I almost wish he had, or at least tried to kiss me. I suppose that would have made it more painful. He didn't fight my cuddling; he acted as if he'd been expecting me hours, possibly days. He grabbed my hand, and kissed it at one point. It was so nice. He told his Aunt we wouldn't sleep together (and we didn't) but I don't think his Aunt was mad when she saw us in the morning. I mean who could be upset at the sight of two young, fully clothed, sleeping adults cuddling with each other. I'm sure we looked so cute and content. He was weird when we got up. When he said goodbye he acted like it was the last time I would ever see him, but in final way not a sad one.

Now I feel lighter, ready to take on whatever with ease. I want to do things but not with the anxiety of rushing. I can talk and cuddle with Seppa and feel happy, but not weighed down by emotion. I no longer see Phil in my apartment. Everything's back to normal, better than normal, except the uncontrollable crying and being almost homesick for Florida.