Reasons why Andy sucks

He is needy with his constant random text messages and times when he wants to hang out. He makes that stupid face every five minutes; I know he wants me to make a cute face back but, for one, I don't feel that way, we're not dating and it would feel like a lie, that I don't owe him, to oblige this want. He a twenty five year old who lived with his Mom until very recently, no job, no car, no future in site or any desire to really change any of that. He gets jealous, won't stop touching me or stop saying 'cute' things when we're in public. He didn't invite me to his friend's wedding, he doesn't buy me drinks or food, have green or offer things when he does have them. He's bipolar and best friends with Pat. He doesn't ever have any ideas on what to do. He tries to stay over when he's not invited. He refuses to take the bus and expects me to find him rides. He bitches about his unemployment checks like its some right for him to get them. He pouts. He's dumb. I can't have a real conversation with him. He always wants to talk about himself and never asks me how I feel or any questions about me. He can't keep a secret. He makes me angry when I try to talk to him. I feel no passion and he makes me feel a guy. I use him and I just feel numb. He's always drunk. Andy is not for me because of so many things it's become productive.
Andy sucks
He's a list of things I don't want to be, don't want in a man and has made me realize there are worse things than being alone

Three Words I Long to Hear

If you thought those three words were "I love you" then you guessed wrong; close but still wrong. "Where's my Mommy?" is the phrase that I am looking for. I've spent this Fourth of July weekend with my family in Ohio and it's been great but it's also revived my longing for a baby and my fear of being a bad Mom. My cousin Jill's kid Dylan is almost three and adorable. He's far from perfect but I think that's from lack of attention and parenting. He doesn't talk much and is a bit violent. He has two older brothers and they all worship the ground their mother walks on, which is strange considering she's not around all that much and is cold to her children. The whole family gives them what they want and it has turned them into brats. I think the lack of attention has caused the kids to act out in violent and destructive ways. They are all good kids, they just need some loving and disapline. In the time that I spent with Dylan I got him to stop hitting and have fun.

Fuck Chad. This happens every time we see eachother: we have a great time, call eachother for about a week and then it just stops. It doesn't hurt anymore, because I'm expecting it, it just pisses me off. He doesn't need to say he misses me, or whatnot, when he doesn't. I'm a big girl and can handle myself and my emotions just fine. I think what happended this time is got salty because I drove with Seppa to St. Paul. What am I supposed to do?! Tickets cost $100, I don't have

Ring-A-Ding-Ding

FOR THE RECORD: I am not sad or thinking about anyone in particular when I write this. And I've felt this way for a long time.

When I get married I want a Tiffany's engagement ring. Way I see it dude better not even ask without it. This doesn't mean the guy has to be rich, I'm fine with poverty working for our perfect our life-whatever that is, but I need this ring. He doesn't have to work towards a house or a savings account but I need this one, very expensive ring. The idea is that he would have to plan and decide ahead of that he loves me so much that he would wait and save to buy me this unreasonable monstrosity that is my hearts desire. It would mean he understood that I can be irrational about stupid things and a little bit crazy but that he willing to make sacrifices to be with me. And the other idea is that I would have to love him more than I love the ring and it would remind me of his struggle and love every time I glanced in the general direction of my left hand.

Or at least a very convincing speech and a promise I will get one within... five years but I gotta love this promise guy a lot. And I better get my ring or else I will not be a happy camper.

Just A Few Things

-I finished The Time Traveler's Wife, super good. Now I'm reading Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk

-I donated on Tuesday and something went wrong which caused my arm to hurt. It felt like pressure but painful; the weird thing is it wasn't anywhere near the needle but by where they velcro the cuff. They tried to re-stick me several times but it kept hurting. So I didn't get some blood back or my saline solution. I felt woosy before I felt but felt better when I drank some water. Now, a whole bunch of bruises have developed around the injection site and up where I felt painful pressure. I'm a little bit scared.

-Alex said we can hang out; and also denies ever saying we couldn't hang out. I could have been wrong before but he defiantly implied that before. He said I should call him and what not. We were supposed to hang out today but he pussed out with a bullshit reason. Whatever; kids fucked up.

-Tuesday Becca and I went to see The Lion King and it was amazing! The costumes and singing were great. I just wish they made Zazu blue instead of white. We went to Takara on State st and it was really good. Only problem was I got sick in the bathroom. Luckily it didn't get on my dress or in my hair but it was still embarrassing. We also saw Brooke and Tina which was super weird. I saw Brooke walk by at intermission, and I didn't recognize her at first but then I saw Tina. We talked in the Hallway. Tina was nice but Brooke and Becca didn't say much. I invited them to come see my place but they said they had to get back. Brooke texted me apologizing but I didn't have my phone so I didn't get it til I got home. I doubt she's ever going to come see me. I owe Becca $65

-I also hung out with Seppa Tuesday night. We talked and drank. He was apparently 'dating' Aleah, in a way where he was her boyfriend but she wasn't his girlfriend and they acted accordingly, but he wasn't happy with her because she was being a bitch. I told him about the celibacy thing and seemed cool with but tried to seduce me... but it didn't work :) We cuddled but that doesn't count. In the morning he started talking about how he could date me and it really surprised me. I told him I wasn't sure if I would even date him and he started to argue it with me; clear minded and not drunk. I explained to him that he couldn't be with anyone else and it would have to be a real relationship, and said he was fine with it. He broke up with Aleah and I said it was WAY too soon and we'd have to talk about it later. Not gonna lie I'm super surprised.

-Ian's is going great, I really like it. I need to work on being more than ontime and some other things; otherwise I think I'm ok. My first staff meeting was last night and some other people got their Ian's t shirts so that means I'll hopefully get mine the next one next month. I made nutella cups cakes ad everyone seemed to like them.

Choke on This

Becca and I watched the movie 'Choke' today and it was really good. It was explicit but still had a great plot. The movie made me think about how I don't want my life to turn out like that but maybe I'm just living it safe. Maybe it's time to get this job and break out of the box, but secretly. Hopefully it will all turn out as planned.

There was also a scene that reminded me of Seppa. The main character doesn't remind me of him at all, except for this scene. It's the one where the girl is passed out after giving this guy a hand job as favor and the guy that likes her walks in and starts freaking out. So the main tells him it's not a big deal and that she's a good girl and basically that he should leave and pretend that this didn't happen. The guy believes it and you later see the two holding hands and assume that they're a happy couple. I just see Seppa pulling some 'Seppa Church' like that.

I look like a lesbian. I mean, I try to and I think I look nice but it still somehow comes out (haha). This is not something I realized today, but something I was thinking about. Will I still find my boy? I'm sure I will, I just hope he doesn't think I bat for the other team.

We also read her old diaries which were super cute

Ian's-Day1

Ian's is great! Today was my first day on the job and it was quite the time. Me, stephen and Kyle were there for comp training from 2pm-5pm and then I worked 5pm-4am.

First of all I had this 'great' idea to stay up super late the night before so it would be easier to stay up the next night; then I could sleep in the next day. What actually happened was I got super drunk, stayed up two and woke up drunk in the morning with one of the worst hangovers of my life, bad cramps, and I could only sleep til 12 anyway. So Sophie left, I tossed and worried for a bit, threw up, went back to sleep for a bit, made a breakfast sandwich (of two eggs, two slices of cheese, two pieces of bacon-they say it's the cure for hangovers- and some mayo), then popped a vitamin, calcium pill, two aspirin, two Midol, and two fiber gummies. Then got to the business of getting ready. My stomach felt like shit while I showered but I was fine (and on time) when I got to Ian's. I also didn't look half bad ;] ... Maybe not as fabulous as I envisioned for my day but what can you do

Training went ok, a little boring but I did my best to stay focused. Then my job started and it was my job to man the phones for the night.

Paul-very helpful
Nick-very cute ('I'll see you in a bit!')
Marty-very professional but fun and understanding
Jack-very strict, a bit of a tight ass, nice and it was my first day
Ross-a bit too helpful, made be look lazy
Hailey-very nice
Cook-very nice
Up-front guy-a bit dismissive...
Grandpa-nice, we cleaned the hall together
Ben-very nice, invited me to a party at his place on Friday

Becca came to see me and it was sweet. Next time I'll get you a discount but Marty gave me a look that scared the crap out of me so I didn't want to risk it. Also, too bad you couldn't see the cutie :/

Luckily it was a slow Friday

I also might be the youngest person who works there

Alex Goes Ca-poot

Uhhh so I guess this the end if me and Alex hanging out because his girlfriend doesn't approve. I want to say dudes on a short leach but I suppose they're in a different place than I've ever been, considering they've been together a while and their age. It still sucks, but not too much.

I feel like I almost predicted it with my dream... spooky