Dan Devries

Dan Devries killed himself on Friday. I heard about it yesterday while I was in class. I didn't really know the guy but we were in school together since elementary school. We also went to festivals and South Dakota together. He was always kind of a dick & I don't think he liked me all that much but maybe he was just sad.

This whole deal makes me sad. Not only is suicide sad but he is the first kid in my graduating in my class to die. He's also the first person I've known who's died since my Grandpa. It's just so sad.

This also forced me to think about I would feel or what I would do if someone I was close to died. It made me so sad

I feel really bad for Julia. I know her and Dan had a pretty strong thing going on for a while. I'm sure she feels like shit.

Sometimes I get sad

...Just say anything (else)

Decisions, decisions

I make my best decisions in the morning. They may be rash & a little harsh but they are honest & what's best for me

Stuck ina box

Today is the last full day of the UW food study... and it sucks
Mike came to see me this morning and that was nice
So did my Mom... and that wasn't so nice. That woman annoys me like nobodys business. She thinks we're so close and we're simply not. Yeah I talk to her sometimes but that's because I sometimes need to talk to somebody. I don't extpect her remember anything I say and she never does; she also repeats what I just said in question form aka the most obnoxious thing someone can do in a conversation. And she does that all the time
Fuck I'm bored in this hosital room... and now hungry

You cant always get what you want

I had a revelation via this song; it's so true. Life's not a fairy tale & I have to buck up & continue on, no matter what happens
I have to be strong & not let things bother me, but keep depth & substance

I have been strong, even cocky & this will soon even out

Phil called me. Yesterday we talked for two hours. Tonight I watched a movie & he called me but I missed the call because I didn't hear it ring. I wonder what he wanted to talk about
This isn't what I want or need but, god, it feels good! It's that time where I stay the course & keep on keeping on. He doesn't want to be with me & I don't want to be his tool
But what if we did live happily ever after?
We'd probably end up in some ironic situation like living in a trailer park with three kids, a pit bull & no money. But I do wonder if I'd be happy. I know our kids would be beautiful

Reasons why Andy sucks

He is needy with his constant random text messages and times when he wants to hang out. He makes that stupid face every five minutes; I know he wants me to make a cute face back but, for one, I don't feel that way, we're not dating and it would feel like a lie, that I don't owe him, to oblige this want. He a twenty five year old who lived with his Mom until very recently, no job, no car, no future in site or any desire to really change any of that. He gets jealous, won't stop touching me or stop saying 'cute' things when we're in public. He didn't invite me to his friend's wedding, he doesn't buy me drinks or food, have green or offer things when he does have them. He's bipolar and best friends with Pat. He doesn't ever have any ideas on what to do. He tries to stay over when he's not invited. He refuses to take the bus and expects me to find him rides. He bitches about his unemployment checks like its some right for him to get them. He pouts. He's dumb. I can't have a real conversation with him. He always wants to talk about himself and never asks me how I feel or any questions about me. He can't keep a secret. He makes me angry when I try to talk to him. I feel no passion and he makes me feel a guy. I use him and I just feel numb. He's always drunk. Andy is not for me because of so many things it's become productive.
Andy sucks
He's a list of things I don't want to be, don't want in a man and has made me realize there are worse things than being alone

Three Words I Long to Hear

If you thought those three words were "I love you" then you guessed wrong; close but still wrong. "Where's my Mommy?" is the phrase that I am looking for. I've spent this Fourth of July weekend with my family in Ohio and it's been great but it's also revived my longing for a baby and my fear of being a bad Mom. My cousin Jill's kid Dylan is almost three and adorable. He's far from perfect but I think that's from lack of attention and parenting. He doesn't talk much and is a bit violent. He has two older brothers and they all worship the ground their mother walks on, which is strange considering she's not around all that much and is cold to her children. The whole family gives them what they want and it has turned them into brats. I think the lack of attention has caused the kids to act out in violent and destructive ways. They are all good kids, they just need some loving and disapline. In the time that I spent with Dylan I got him to stop hitting and have fun.

Fuck Chad. This happens every time we see eachother: we have a great time, call eachother for about a week and then it just stops. It doesn't hurt anymore, because I'm expecting it, it just pisses me off. He doesn't need to say he misses me, or whatnot, when he doesn't. I'm a big girl and can handle myself and my emotions just fine. I think what happended this time is got salty because I drove with Seppa to St. Paul. What am I supposed to do?! Tickets cost $100, I don't have

Ring-A-Ding-Ding

FOR THE RECORD: I am not sad or thinking about anyone in particular when I write this. And I've felt this way for a long time.

When I get married I want a Tiffany's engagement ring. Way I see it dude better not even ask without it. This doesn't mean the guy has to be rich, I'm fine with poverty working for our perfect our life-whatever that is, but I need this ring. He doesn't have to work towards a house or a savings account but I need this one, very expensive ring. The idea is that he would have to plan and decide ahead of that he loves me so much that he would wait and save to buy me this unreasonable monstrosity that is my hearts desire. It would mean he understood that I can be irrational about stupid things and a little bit crazy but that he willing to make sacrifices to be with me. And the other idea is that I would have to love him more than I love the ring and it would remind me of his struggle and love every time I glanced in the general direction of my left hand.

Or at least a very convincing speech and a promise I will get one within... five years but I gotta love this promise guy a lot. And I better get my ring or else I will not be a happy camper.

Just A Few Things

-I finished The Time Traveler's Wife, super good. Now I'm reading Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk

-I donated on Tuesday and something went wrong which caused my arm to hurt. It felt like pressure but painful; the weird thing is it wasn't anywhere near the needle but by where they velcro the cuff. They tried to re-stick me several times but it kept hurting. So I didn't get some blood back or my saline solution. I felt woosy before I felt but felt better when I drank some water. Now, a whole bunch of bruises have developed around the injection site and up where I felt painful pressure. I'm a little bit scared.

-Alex said we can hang out; and also denies ever saying we couldn't hang out. I could have been wrong before but he defiantly implied that before. He said I should call him and what not. We were supposed to hang out today but he pussed out with a bullshit reason. Whatever; kids fucked up.

-Tuesday Becca and I went to see The Lion King and it was amazing! The costumes and singing were great. I just wish they made Zazu blue instead of white. We went to Takara on State st and it was really good. Only problem was I got sick in the bathroom. Luckily it didn't get on my dress or in my hair but it was still embarrassing. We also saw Brooke and Tina which was super weird. I saw Brooke walk by at intermission, and I didn't recognize her at first but then I saw Tina. We talked in the Hallway. Tina was nice but Brooke and Becca didn't say much. I invited them to come see my place but they said they had to get back. Brooke texted me apologizing but I didn't have my phone so I didn't get it til I got home. I doubt she's ever going to come see me. I owe Becca $65

-I also hung out with Seppa Tuesday night. We talked and drank. He was apparently 'dating' Aleah, in a way where he was her boyfriend but she wasn't his girlfriend and they acted accordingly, but he wasn't happy with her because she was being a bitch. I told him about the celibacy thing and seemed cool with but tried to seduce me... but it didn't work :) We cuddled but that doesn't count. In the morning he started talking about how he could date me and it really surprised me. I told him I wasn't sure if I would even date him and he started to argue it with me; clear minded and not drunk. I explained to him that he couldn't be with anyone else and it would have to be a real relationship, and said he was fine with it. He broke up with Aleah and I said it was WAY too soon and we'd have to talk about it later. Not gonna lie I'm super surprised.

-Ian's is going great, I really like it. I need to work on being more than ontime and some other things; otherwise I think I'm ok. My first staff meeting was last night and some other people got their Ian's t shirts so that means I'll hopefully get mine the next one next month. I made nutella cups cakes ad everyone seemed to like them.

Choke on This

Becca and I watched the movie 'Choke' today and it was really good. It was explicit but still had a great plot. The movie made me think about how I don't want my life to turn out like that but maybe I'm just living it safe. Maybe it's time to get this job and break out of the box, but secretly. Hopefully it will all turn out as planned.

There was also a scene that reminded me of Seppa. The main character doesn't remind me of him at all, except for this scene. It's the one where the girl is passed out after giving this guy a hand job as favor and the guy that likes her walks in and starts freaking out. So the main tells him it's not a big deal and that she's a good girl and basically that he should leave and pretend that this didn't happen. The guy believes it and you later see the two holding hands and assume that they're a happy couple. I just see Seppa pulling some 'Seppa Church' like that.

I look like a lesbian. I mean, I try to and I think I look nice but it still somehow comes out (haha). This is not something I realized today, but something I was thinking about. Will I still find my boy? I'm sure I will, I just hope he doesn't think I bat for the other team.

We also read her old diaries which were super cute

Ian's-Day1

Ian's is great! Today was my first day on the job and it was quite the time. Me, stephen and Kyle were there for comp training from 2pm-5pm and then I worked 5pm-4am.

First of all I had this 'great' idea to stay up super late the night before so it would be easier to stay up the next night; then I could sleep in the next day. What actually happened was I got super drunk, stayed up two and woke up drunk in the morning with one of the worst hangovers of my life, bad cramps, and I could only sleep til 12 anyway. So Sophie left, I tossed and worried for a bit, threw up, went back to sleep for a bit, made a breakfast sandwich (of two eggs, two slices of cheese, two pieces of bacon-they say it's the cure for hangovers- and some mayo), then popped a vitamin, calcium pill, two aspirin, two Midol, and two fiber gummies. Then got to the business of getting ready. My stomach felt like shit while I showered but I was fine (and on time) when I got to Ian's. I also didn't look half bad ;] ... Maybe not as fabulous as I envisioned for my day but what can you do

Training went ok, a little boring but I did my best to stay focused. Then my job started and it was my job to man the phones for the night.

Paul-very helpful
Nick-very cute ('I'll see you in a bit!')
Marty-very professional but fun and understanding
Jack-very strict, a bit of a tight ass, nice and it was my first day
Ross-a bit too helpful, made be look lazy
Hailey-very nice
Cook-very nice
Up-front guy-a bit dismissive...
Grandpa-nice, we cleaned the hall together
Ben-very nice, invited me to a party at his place on Friday

Becca came to see me and it was sweet. Next time I'll get you a discount but Marty gave me a look that scared the crap out of me so I didn't want to risk it. Also, too bad you couldn't see the cutie :/

Luckily it was a slow Friday

I also might be the youngest person who works there

Alex Goes Ca-poot

Uhhh so I guess this the end if me and Alex hanging out because his girlfriend doesn't approve. I want to say dudes on a short leach but I suppose they're in a different place than I've ever been, considering they've been together a while and their age. It still sucks, but not too much.

I feel like I almost predicted it with my dream... spooky

Phini & Annex

Oh god, where to start!

Babysat Bubba (answers better to Bubba than Phini)
day 1
he was great we stayed inside, except park, cleaned kitchen, Ian's interview, made freudian slip and young money bike reference, super cute interviewer who looks like Christian from Topher's place
day 2
went on walk, went to park, he fell asleep on me on his belly facing my feet, peed on himself while napping, took a bath-he LOVED it, hung out with Sophie and Kyle
day 3
I was tired in the morning then we went to the big park for two hours where he made friends with everyone and I pretended he was my son, he took a short nap and was cranky but I didnt coddle, he loves me, got Ian's job!

Was going to hang out with Alex but I got antsy and went to the Annex, saw that1guy, saw Mo, saw Shayna, Alessio and Jessica, got hit on my by old TALL guy, danced, saw Henry, Marta and Maggie, made fun of funny guys hand gestures, had fun with Jessica

Now Pats supposed to pick me up

Thoughts While Cleaning

I've been cleaning all morning and it feels pretty good; almost therapeutic. I've only conquered the (once very gross) kitchen and living room. Uhg I want to clean my bathroom and room (which is the big job) but it's getting late, I'm getting tired of this and I now have the urge to dirty things. Things don't get this way because I'm gross, I'm actually a fairly clean person, I just procrastinate and don't have anyone else to worry about. I mean, I wash my hands, clean my hair, worry about germs and bugs, and clean messes at other people's homes.

I've also been listening to This American Life. The woman in the '95 'Liars' episode describes my feels for Phil, and what happened, perfectly. The only difference is he kept contact with her and we didn't talk about marriage or kids.

House Sitting

Ashleys house sitting her cousins place this weekend so we're staying the night. She took me out to Pasquals, which was very nice of her, and delicious. We got burritos and margaritas and I didn't get carded! Ashley knew the waitress but I still like to think it's due to my skills. I took a nap around ten and now I'm wide awake. I'd wake Ash up but shes gotta work tomorrow. We watched Double Jeopardy with Ashley Judd. It was so good! Did not see any of that coming. We also tried to play with the cats and guinea pigs but that didn't really work out. I finally devised a plan to block the door and get a pig. He wasn't too happy about that and eventually peed on me. The Becca and I watched Go For Zucker this morning. It was also surprisingly good. Except Becca's on a role with gay German flicks haha. I still have that pizza btw, but not for long

I also turned in the Gumby's and Ian's applications today

The Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions

'she did everything she could just to
to make him love & treat her good
she found herself alone
askin’ herself where did she go wrong
she didn’t realize
she chased the type of guys
that don’t believe in ties
tryin’ to apologize'

This morning I had a revaluation while listening to Young Money (I know, whoda thought...): I should only chase boys who are up for a relationship
I'm not really sure what that entails on their part but I need to be honest with myself, & celibate. In the past I thought I wasn't chasing this breed because they had a past girlfriend they were crazy about, but alas, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I now know this & it's time to move forward!
Sarah Guidelines:
-A few resent ex-girlfriends (not just one)
-Some time between last girlfriend
-They can't be in love with anyone; if they are don't bring it up like you know you do
-No kissing or sexual acts; will power!
-No biting, period. I'm done with that phase of my life & it's time to leave it behind
-Exclusive, I do not share!
-If something changes, let them go
-Be cool (for lack of a better term), not giggly or an open book
-Be honest, no games
-Don't be desperate/expect a relationship right away (remember how things took forever with Phil? Be patient ;])
-Be independent. Don't expect to get a boy until you get your shit together, this includes a job, schooling & mental state
-Think positive but realistic
-Be interesting, mature & real

I suppose I can still be friends with the playa types but only that: friends; nothing sexual (including kisses)

FL: The Aftermath

I miss Florida. I miss the sunshine, I miss the beach, I miss Becca, I miss never being alone, I miss Phil, I miss Disney World, I miss cooking, I miss watching Arrested Development, I miss the pool, I miss driving, I know Becca misses Aaron....
There are few things I don't miss. Basically that air mattress and the obnoxious Jews
Yup that's about it
I've become an addict

The Ride Back

We're back. The drive was sooo long. It felt like at least three times as long as the initial trip down there. Becca and I ate at Ruby Tuesday's-a knock off of TGIF-and had a great meal at a great deal. We also decided to have a food competition; one where we can only eat a meal of our choice until one of us breaks. We both chose salads, its starts tomorrow, and I can't wait. I originally said I was would do pasta, fruit or gummy bears but all of those would cause me, if this goes on for any length of time, to either get fat or pass out from lack of nutrients.

I'm sure whats happening in my mind about Phil. I had a great time with him and he seems to be doing really well, and this makes me happy and sad. I love that he's doing what he set out to do but this means he will never come back. I started missing him the moment I left his neighborhood. This feels like closure but in the sense that I've put the hope for us, along with my heart, to rest. Before the trip he was a constant sad haze over my life, now I feel lighter but uncontrollably start crying every time I even mention his name. It's embarrassing I've to carry eye drops and can't wear makeup. Before there was a heavy stone now there's nothing. My chest literally feels empty. I'm not sure what's worse.

He didn't kiss me or try to do anything physical. I don't know what that means. I almost wish he had, or at least tried to kiss me. I suppose that would have made it more painful. He didn't fight my cuddling; he acted as if he'd been expecting me hours, possibly days. He grabbed my hand, and kissed it at one point. It was so nice. He told his Aunt we wouldn't sleep together (and we didn't) but I don't think his Aunt was mad when she saw us in the morning. I mean who could be upset at the sight of two young, fully clothed, sleeping adults cuddling with each other. I'm sure we looked so cute and content. He was weird when we got up. When he said goodbye he acted like it was the last time I would ever see him, but in final way not a sad one.

Now I feel lighter, ready to take on whatever with ease. I want to do things but not with the anxiety of rushing. I can talk and cuddle with Seppa and feel happy, but not weighed down by emotion. I no longer see Phil in my apartment. Everything's back to normal, better than normal, except the uncontrollable crying and being almost homesick for Florida.

Here in Florida

In the beginning I wasn't having such a hot time. Becca has a new boyfriend, Aaron, and I forgot she's not the best at including others when shes with a boyfriend. I know she doesn't see him all that often and the haven't been going steady that long, but this is my vacation too. Plus these are her friends and I'm not sure how I feel about them. I wasn't planning on spending this much alone time. Hopefully she'll get over it and be better the rest of the vacation. I also get the feeling Aaron doesn't especially like me.

Disney World was pretty great. Harold fucked up so I had to pay full price, which sucked but I guess that's how it goes. We went to two parks a day; MGM and The Magic Kingdom on the first day and The Animal Kingdom and Epcot the second. The motel we stayed at was iffy but cheap, and close, so I didn't mind. We got a slow start both days but still managed to go on everything we wanted to (except Peter Pan D:).

Tomorrow I see Phil. I can't wait but am also nervous. He's meeting me in Lake Placid, which is closer for me. He also sounded excited on the phone which hopefully means he misses me. Uhg I hate myself sometimes.

Becca's also being a big hypocrite on this trip. Last time we were in Florida I was newly dating Jeremy and felt the need to talk to him about an hour each night. This doesn't sound like too much to me but Becca made it a huge issue. Now the tables have turned and her boyfriend is here yet she still has to text him when he's not around. Her mom texts her all day, which I don't blame her for, but skyping with Aarushi is crossing the line. Hypocrite.

I hate everyone

I am having one of those days where I hate everyone.
Every
single
person
And the way the solve this problem, being with people. Sophie and I are going to Kenosha. I marvel at my genius sometimes. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be there, I don't want to be anywhere. Hopefully Avery will make me happy

Sometimes... I'm crazy

Today was shit. It was supposed to be great but it was shit. I woke up, it was sunny, and I finished and turned in my paper. Then I donated plasma and when I left it was dark and cold. I invited Alex to come over and smoke after he got off of work. He was closing, but I thought that meant he got off at like 4:30 so I rushed and cleaned my place SUPER good. Problem one: I am my Mother's daughter. That's all I could think about while I was madly cleaning for someone I didn't but I couldn't stop. Alex doesn't text or show so I figure I got time, WRONG. He texts my fifteen minutes after I get to Becca's and I have to go. For some reason it wasn't an option. I fucking ran to meet him. I was super late, he had to wait outside and I was sweating. I am so weird, but like I said, it wasn't an option. It's not that he's great or that I like him; in fact I'm super awkward around him and don't know what to say. We looked at my records and got stoned. Then got more stoned. We talked about music and drank tea and it was nice, but I was weird. Something was off, me. I didn't feel myself and I don't know what caused it or how to make it stop. I think I'm crazy or had a flashback induced by the exercise, or what. How am I supposed to be happy if I can't be myself?

Then I tried to hang out with Seppa and he said he was doing 'V games'. He wouldn't tell me what that meant so I assumed he was with a girl. WRONG. V games=video games. I'm such an idiot. I'm sure I freaked him out. WHAT DO I DO? HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP?

Day three

Day three of cuddling, God I love this. Cuddling is my meth and I can't get enough of it. Sleeping alone is the worst part of you-know-who leaving

Number Five

I'm sick. I encountered a three handed monster and I'm not sure if I won or lost. Maybe everyone else is right, maybe it's not about the outcome but how you play the game. Except I'm not even sure of that! Did I ruin everything? Does it even matter, do I really care? Not now but knowing me, there's always tomorrow. And the day after that.

Tequila Sunrise

Friday was fun. I was bored and went to hang out with Quinn and Seppa answered the door. Apparently things got fucked up with their plane tickets. I ended up hanging out with Seppa instead of Quinn. Which is when I found the giant spoon and started hitting everyone with it. Me, Seppa and Kevin found a hidden bottle of tequila and got supplies and bottled beer. Then there was supposed to be a big party but it turned out to be small and a complete sausage fest. I was one of two girls there and everyone wanted a piece of me. Not even in a sexual way, it was mostly more of a unconscious competition. I lost a few games of pong then played cards with some guys that pissed me off. So I convinced Seppa and Kevin to go to Perkins with me. We were quite but fun. Me and Seppa played with the creamers which turned into night long competition. The game was Seppa had to scare me five times before I hit him with the giant spoon. Problems were: I'm easily scared and I had to find the spoon. I ended up winning, but it was a good game. The others were playing Magic and kept fucking with me. There were only a few of us, but it was a lot of fun. We stayed up til four a.m. and I ended up sleeping on one of the couches in Seppa's room, super uncomfortable.

Silver fox

I went to Alex's band, The Cloth Sea, practice last night. I got really lost and had to call a few times for directions, which was embarrassing. Alex lives with his brother and his girlfriend and I think that's it. They're nice. I talked to the girlfriend and she graduated and is about to start school to be a lawyer. She was sweet and I'm glad we talked. They also have a Dachshund named Sheriff and she's absolutely adorable, but apparently has a problem peeing when she get too much 'Sheriff time'. I thought I was late but Andrew didn't come til a little bit later. Andrews the other kid who works at the plasma place and he's pretty cute/nice, which surprises me because at first glance I though he was a major douche. Alex was nice but I ended up spending more time with Andrew and he invited me out with them after the show on Monday. Alex was talkative but possibly kind of nervous. He's also so tiny! Like a stick in tight pants, a bit of girly shirt and a beard that just pulls the whole thing together. But it's cute. I think he might have been trying to impress me, which I don't mind. Alex and Andrew are cool but they invited this other kid they work with who doesn't fit in at all, and they openly said they brought him for the jokes. This is mean but dude needs to take a hint. There was also this girl named Sam. She's nice and pretty and I think her and Alex had a thing because I got 'the vibe' but for once I didn't get filled up with jealously. It was mature of me and I think everyone would've thought less of me if I had. It felt good. Alex's band was good, which kind of surprised me. Their house is all nice and clean which makes me more embarrassed of my place and the fact that I puked in their garbage. Hey, the bathroom was busy and it had to come out. I got way too drunk. Luckily Andrew gave me a ride home kinda early so I didn't get the chance to pass out on a couch (like I always do). He didn't want to give me a ride at first but I didn't really pressure him so I don't feel bad. Alex gave me a hug when I left, and I couldn't tell what kind of hug it was but it was nice all the same.

I woke up with the worst hang over of my life, or at least top three. Alex texted me and said he had fun and that we should hang out again. Sweet. And I found out he graduated high school in '04, thanks to my skills. That's not too bad, hopefully

Regrets for the night:
Not getting there sooner/Making Becca late
Smoking too many cigs
Not being more confident
Drinking too much
Puking in their kitchen garbage, ew
Not talking to Alex more (?)

I think I might have a thing for old men and it kinda weirds me out. I always imagined I would end up with an older guy but, as usual, real life feels/turns out different than in my dreams. I feel embarrassed of my age which is ridiculous and only makes it more awkward. I am who I am and there's nothing I can do to change it, so why be embarrassed? I try to embrace this but I still have doubts. Why do they like me, do I go for the perverts? Maybe the problem is I'm clinging too much to my youth. I've always tried to rush and grow up faster but at the same time always assumed I'd stay young (if that makes sense). When I think of future myself, I imagine a beautiful classy lady with a smooth skin and a youthful laugh. Like one of those ladies that works better in her older age, more happy, put together and overall more attractive. In reality my laugh is ridiculous and my skin is not smooth now, so odds are that it is only going to get worse. I am probably going to end up an ugly, wrinkly, bitter, old woman. I pity the fool that ends up marrying me.

Becca left this morning and I miss her already. We don't see each other all that much, but just the fact that I can't makes me miss her. I can see her whenever, whereas Aaron can't so I suppose it's only fair and I'm sure she'll have fun. Aaron wins this battle but I'll get the next one

My Room

You are almost completely gone
There are no more notes
My sheets are clean
My cludder has taken root
My room is in a way that you have never seen, touched or tainted
My valuables are safe
I'm no longer waiting for you

But the clock is counting down
To what, I'm not sure
My demise, liberation or a fluke
Will I come back empty and broken
Or unphased

Am I damaged
I think so

Essay #2

The Way I Want the World to be:
Where women are Ladies and men are Gentleman
“The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.” When this quote refers to the past as being a separate country, it is saying the past had foreign leaders and ways, and it’s problems were dealt with different than how we would have done things. Different is not always bad. I would like to take some ideas from this said country and apply them to our society, for I am not happy with the way things are going. I would like to evaluate our values, how we date and our take on housewives and family life. I would like to take us back to the fifties, but since time travel is not yet possible, I will have to settle for highlighting my favorite ideas.
The Fifties were a time of style and all American fun. Back then women were ladies, men were gentleman, one’s honor meant something and respect was something to be valued. To be a gentleman is to have honor, and treat woman with respect and kindness, to be a lady is to act in a manor that makes one deserve such treatment. Ladies wore clothes inspired by elegant designers such as Dior, Chanel and Givenchy, and men wore clean cut suits that equally as elegant. Modesty and poise were values that both men and women strived to acquire, one held one’s self in a way that both graceful and effortless. Phrases such as “that’s what she said” would have been considered distasteful. Patriotism was everywhere, religion was the ultimate sign of anti-communism, and family values were valued just as they should be. Post World War II and the beginning of the Cold War kept everyone on their toes, but without a doubt, these universal feelings united us as a nation which is what was needed at the time. Sundays were family time and Church was at the top of the activities list, along with board games and playing outside. Meals were also home cooked and something to be shared as a family. This was ‘classic’ America.
Cinema from the fifties is now old, but still considered ‘classic’. Fifties cinema is considered classic for a reason, for it was clean cut, modest, tastefully romantic and exciting. Some examples of this are famous films such as ‘Casablanca’, ‘Gone with the Wind’ and ‘The Wizard of Oz’ which are still loved today. These movie characters were role models that had flaws and troubles just like everyone else. The action was not gruesome or gory but was built up by suspense and left more to the imagination which can be as frightening as any scary movie today. I think Ingred Bergman and Judy Garland captured the the time best, and their movies will be considered ‘classic’ for a long time. The films made it seem like a wonderful time to live, I wish I could say the same about my own generation.
My generation has been reduced to nights of partying, bad choices and refusing to grow up. These ways were fun for a while but I’m worried for our parents, children and future. Someday soon we will need to leave the parties behind and run this country and I hope we are ready. I would like some of the values from the fifties to make a come back such as class, respect and honor. I think these values would provide the extra push we need to shape up and be great, if we could only except them. In a way we are the fifties, but backwards. For the most part we have just replaced fear of communists with fear of terrorists, religion with atheism, dating with hooking up, love with depression and pencil skirts with mini shirts.
Another thing that needs to change is dating and the image we try so hard to project. Boys now stay boys, girls have lost self respect and the result is our youth’s culture has been reduced to a handful of lame jokes and drunken hookups. There have been books written about the phenomenon of hooking up and is now discussed in college Sexual Education classes. Dating has officially become obsolete for our youth and has been replaced by hooking up. We have pushed out dating and turned ‘I love you’ into a pick up line. It is sad that the formalities of courting have been thrown out the window and replaced with catty talk at parties. In the fifties, anyone could talk to anyone but a date was considered something special. It was a one-on-one way to get know a potential partner and show off one’s intelligence and manors. Now parties are our crash course version of dating which consists of a few hours spent intoxicated at a party, interacting with several people then taking someone home. This is not a valid way to find a partner, but that is how is it being done. Image and priorities have also changed. In high school and college, a boy’s worth is judged not by not his smarts or abilities but by how many girls he has slept with, and girls are now picked out by the length of their skirts and ability to chug a beer. None of these things tell anything real about said person, you can not know someone’s passions or pep-peeves by their reputation or the clothing they wear. If dating is supposed to lead to marriage, and if marriage is supposed to last ‘till dead do us part’, what are we getting ourselves into?
Love and marriage is a major problem. It does not surprise me that America’s youngster have trouble with dating and relationships when, for the most part, their role models in relationships are not in the best position to be praised. According to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri up to 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. These statistics combined with celebrities and the media do not give one much hope for happiness. Maybe the problem is our idea of love. We now expect love to fall in our laps with a set of instructions. In the fifties, they understood that love is something that requires work and perhaps simply did not give up as easily as our couples do now. I suppose we have started to try to cut corners and give up when things do not work out on the first try. The truth is that love is hard and you have to give as much as you take but that should not, and does not, stop us from continuing to look for love. The problem could also be the economy, pressuring us to marry for status or stability rather than love, causing people to settle. I do not think anyone should ever settle, but it does happen. When one marries, one needs to make decisions about what is important. Like deciding if one wants children and what role one wants to play in those lives.
I believe a negative social stigma has developed towards housewives. Society may not value housewives the way it used to, but I do not see anything wrong with striving to be a caring Mother and Wife. Some women want to be doctors, or lawyers or even Fire Fighter, which is fine, but that is not for everyone. Those women are passionate about making a difference. It is the same way with housewives, except with families instead of strangers and instead of saving lives, they are shaping them. Mothers staying at home used to be considered ‘normal’ whereas now act has practically vanished. I do not want to be judged for wanting this lifestyle, and I sometimes feel I am. It is not that there are not careers I would like to pursue, but those careers mean nothing to me in comparison to being a Mom and taking care of my family. Caring for a house and children is a large responsibility and do not see why our society feels the need to pass this responsibility onto to a stranger. Full-time Moms are also only necessary until the child is about five, after that they start to go to school. Along with caring for your child, there is still dirty laundry, grocery shopping,
cleaning, cooking and other things that need to be done. Having those things done during the day helps a family run smoothly, without stress and less stress means happier families. When I am married and am a Mother, I want to make my husband homemade supper every night, have time to help my kids with their homework, drive them to soccer practice and take care of them when they are sick. True is a lot of work, but it is a real job like working behind a desk or cleaning houses for a living.
I believe the fifties was the best time to be in love and start a family. Things seem as if they were simpler back then, but I suppose that is how the past always seems. Nevertheless, I still feel our values on love need to changed along with the way we raise our families. Perhaps I do not give my generation enough credit, hopefully we will do great things. Maybe things were never the way I imagined they were in the fifties and I have the decade all wrong. Or maybe I was just born in the wrong time. “The human soul has still greater need of the ideal than of the real. It is by the real we exist; it is by the ideal that we live.”

Get Outta Dodge

Quinn tried to kiss me today and I dodged his advance. I saw the set up and tried to ignore it. He turned his body to face me and stayed like that for a few minutes until I looked at him then tried to make his move and I sunk away and said sorry. He seemed hurt or offended or something. I wasnt (and havent been) feeling him like that so I have nothing to be sorry about. The rest of the movie was awkward. I guess I wont be seeing any more of him.

Ruckus

This morning there was a ruckus outside my window and, while I was half asleep, I got up to close it because I was worried it would wake you. Of course, you weren't here. This is the first time this has happened to me in a while. I miss you.

Eh.

I'm sitting in my bathroom waiting for my exfoliating mask to dry so I can take a shower. Oh the life I lead. I need to start working out again, I can see my progress is starting to slip away. The rough draft for my second essay in English is due Wednesday, but I'm not worried about it (I got this). The topics was a choice of something about education or something we'd change about society. I decided to write mine about how our society needs more class/chivalry. I'm not sure how long it has to be, but I already this essay is going to be BOMB. The idea is even more awesome than the essay and my teacher likes it also. Hopefully I'll be able to pull it off :/

If you don't have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true?

My Mom texted me this morning that South Pacific was TCM. I was knitting and watching it and then Mom and I texted for a bit. We talked about our favorite songs and how bla bla looks like my Mom's old Barbie doll. I told her how Dad loved the song 'Happy Talk' and how he introduced me to the movie. Apparently she didn't know about any of that, which surprised me. He called me the other day. I accidentally answered my phone before I realized it was him, so I hung up on him. I never meant to be rude like that but I don't want to talk to him. I also wouldn't normally answer and hang up the phone because I like to hear the voicemails. I wonder what he's thinking. I know he misses me but I want to know if he's sorry or excepts that somethings wrong. I've been missing him lately. It's not time yet. Ideally I'd like to wait a year and a half after graduation, but the soonest I'd be willing to cheat is after English is over with. I can't take the risk of getting sad when there's schoolwork to be done. Its surprising me how soon this is going through my mind. I always thought he wouldn't cross my mind for ten years but I'm obviously not that strong.

I'm watching 'Teen Mom'. It makes me sad :/ But Ashley, Michael and LA are coming over to play cards. It should be fun and I'm excited.

Plasma and bad brownies

Today I had a English presentation and it kicked ass. I wore my glasses and it made me feel smart. It was me, Rachael and Tara. My job was to analyze the vocabulary and voice and I think I did a nice job. Ms. Redfield and a few other people complimented me and it felt nice.

Then I donated and Alex talked to me a bunch.He said he liked my glasses. He's such a cutie. We talked about his band and gypsy jazz and he brought me over a crossword he had been working on. It was taped to a piece of cardboard, he's so sweet. He helped me with my machine and I asked him if he was authorized to do that because he didn't have a lab coat, he thought that was funny. Before I left he invited me to his next show, but its not til March. It's at The High Noon Saloon and I really hope it's open to all ages because that would be embarrassing if it was 21+. Damn I wish he'd ask me out. I don't even care about the beard.

I made brownies for my dinner with Quinn and they turned out terrible! The were too stiff and stuck to the pan, it was embarrassing. Quinn made a pasta dish that was super good. We also watched 'Young Frankenstein' which is super funny but I fell asleep a bunch of times. Yet another embarrassing feet, fuck my life. Overall the date was kind of boring but I guess you can't win 'em all. He didn't make a move, even though he walked me home. I find this super weird. I hope he's not waiting for me to because he's going to be waiting a long time...

"She reads at a sophmore level"

I went ice skating with Topher and Pat. We only skated for like an hour because it was so damn cold! My coat button buttons popped off which sucked, but I only fell once and it was Topher's fault. He was pulling me and took too sharp of a turn and I hit my nose on his shoulder and fell on my butt. It was cold so it didn't really hurt but I gave him shit anyway. When we got back I met his new roommate Jeff, who seemed to take a liking to me. Damn newb. He wouldn't stop saying I looked like Michael Pifer in Batman Returns before she turns into Catwoman. I found this flattering but obnoxious after a while. He's funny but also 23. I think Christian got a little jealous, sucka. They all made fun of my glasses super bad but I didn't really care. I wasn't in a sensitive mood so it was all good. Then Topher had a 'date' with this older woman from his work. I think he was trying to make me jealous. I really don't care, I just like going over there. Christian gave me a ride home and I ended my night with slice of pizza. Classic.

Urban Package

My Urban orders came today. My first package at own place, what a nice way to wake up! I snagged a bunch of good deals. I bought earrings, a necklace, gloves, a shirt, a dress and six pairs of glasses, but I'm going to return the other five I don't like. The earrings small, round, white studs with yellow roses, the necklace is a mini-spyglass with a big chain and the gloves are blue, elbow length and knit, the shirt is a generic Urban v-neck with a Polaroid picture and some writing and the dress is a mini with a colorful flower print and fat zipper. All the glasses are black, thick rimmed

I found the same glasses I had before, but in brown, and that's probably the pair I'm choosing. I can't stop wearing them, that and my orange, knit hunting hat. Sometimes I wonder about myself :/

Real Problems

This my English essay #1, I had to write a piece about an event or idea that was important to me. I'd like to dedicate this post to Aarushi. It's hard for me to write anything and so I appreciate the support. I'll post her feedback on Friday or so

In the words of Richard Carlson “Don’t sweat the small stuff and it’s all small stuff.” Some people have troubles. Some people were born with them while others just develop them later in life. To be honest, I am not one of either of these types of people. I mean, I have troubles but they are nothing in comparison to citizens of third world countries, doctors, drug addicts, soldiers or even bums. I do not think it particularly matters how their problems came to be, what matters is that they are real. I am a young, healthy, white, middle class women living in a safe, liberal city.

My real problems are virtually nonexistent. I do not struggle with hunger, drugs, violence, or abusive parents. The only problems I have are self inflicted. I choose to eat fatty foods that give me acne, I choose to be with people that hurt me, I choose to skip class and I choose to put harmful substances in my body. No one forces me to make these decisions, au contraire, I am constantly encouraged to stay away from these negative aspects of life and make healthy choices. These problems may feel real to me and make me unhappy, but they are all my own fault and could easily be fixed by doing what I know is right. Even if I get skin cancer, which I consider a ‘real’ problem, I would only have myself to blame because I use tanning booths and rarely apply the appropriate amount of sunscreen before stepping out into the beautiful sun. Another example of this phenomenon is how I stress out about not being able to find a job but in all actuality I do not need one. All having one would do is provide some extra cash and something stable in in my life other than school. The fact that the problems may or may not be real does not stop me from being bothered or halt my pursuit. What separates me from other people is that I have the luxury to worry about issues that do not matter in the grand scheme of things.

In the past few months I have found a major flaw in myself: I am lazy. I would much rather sit in my apartment and watch television, listen to music or hang out with my friends than do something productive like my homework, reading a difficult book or even cleaning my kitchen. I did not used to be this way and I am not sure how it developed into the massive problem it has become. If I was more proactive I would rediscover things I used to love like art, reading and running. Again, I am not quite sure when I lost site of these loves. No doubt it was probably around the same time I found laziness. Not only would I eliminate a lot bad things by being more productive, I would also not have time to ponder how stupid my problems really are.

While I do not wish I had real problems, I want to understand and possibly help the people who do. As I was writing this essay, I heard about the shocking earthquake in Haiti from MSNBC. The sheer mass of destruction was enough to make me become transfixed by the television and have an urge to text the number on the screen to donate money to the cause. These people have real problems, this will be a mess to clean up for the ages. I feel for all the people who not only lost their loved ones but also their homes as well. This was obviously unplanned and unexpected so there are now hundreds of thousands of people who are hungry, thirsty, alone and with no place to go. I think it is safe to say this is a worst case scenario and things do not seem
to be getting better. These people are living my nightmare and I feel for them.

My question of the severity of everyday problems is a fairly resent thought for me and has been hard to except. I understand that many other young people may not agree with my opinions, seeing as how we all want our struggles to be validated and seem difficult. All the same, I feel my thoughts are legitimate. I realize my thoughts may be brutally honest and could be misconstrued as extreme, but I am trying to ask a logical question. How important are our problems? Like many others, I am not sure what is truly important in this world or what exactly constitutes a ‘real’ problem, but I am confident I have made it clear what is not. All people have troubles but we should ask ourselves are they troubled souls or do they just take frivolous aspects of their lives too seriously? Consequentially it takes hold of their health and happiness. In my opinion, life is generally swell and people need to revaluate their ‘problems’ and keep sight of what is really important.

No more fbook

Or at least for a week. Blogspot will have to do til then
Look what I found. I wonder if this was what Becca was trying to the other day at the gym haha

http://current.com/items/90039001_physics-win-gif.htm

Happy Birthday, Phil

I want a baby

Or a man would do. When I was little, all I ever wanted to do was fall in love. I always thought I'd be one of those girls who gets married right out of high school and then start a family. Well high school has come and gone with not much progress on the relationship frontier. Sure I've learned about boys and games, which I never appreciated much anyway, but that information isn't much use once you're in college/the real world and dealing with (hopefully) men and commitment. I guess I'm not as mature as I always thought I was. But I know I'm real. Maybe at times I wonder/question/have no idea who I am but I try to mean everything I say. Like I said that vary from one minute to the next but they're still honest feelings. I also try to love myself, because that's one person I'm stuck with til the end, but that doesn't always hold up either. I'm a bit of a restless soul, I'm young and change is natural so I guess it's not that big of a deal. Hypothetically, everything will fall into place when I'm "ready" and stop pining after Prince Charming. But I'm so impatient!

I also kinda miss high school, is that bad?

And yeah I miss you too

He said he missed me. Today I was a Quinn's house and Seppa's sister said something that her boy did that was cute and that showed that he likes her and I almost said "Yeah my boy said he misses me" but luckily stopped myself for obvious reasons. That could've been awkward. But I miss him so much

Thoughts I can't help but having

Yesterday was my date with Quinn. We saw 'Sherlock Holmes' at Point and he paid which was very nice of him. I had a lot of fun but I'd already seen the movie and he said hes not a movie talker so I didnt say anything during the movie. After the movie we hung out at Seppa's for a bit before class and Seppa made potpesto, with lots of oil and butter, which I later found out made me sick. I had a stomach ache at Urban today and I get one every time I eat. I know, a fate worse than death. Especially when I have homemade chili and spaghetti in my fridge. Oh the agony. Overall, it was a nice date but Quinns not my type and I decided I don't like him like that.

Today was the Urban inventory day and I got there close enough to on time. Five in the a.m. is much too early. The people there were nice. Gillian (the tiny manager) is gorgeous and adorable in a weird Liza Minelli/Elizabeth Taylor kind of a way. Our group got one twenty minute break and I was there from five to three but I got sit on the floor a lot so it could've been worse. I talked with the girls during break. They were really nice, I don't think they especially did or didn't want to talk to me but they liked some of the stuff I had to say. One of the girls was talking about going to NYC and we started talking about meeting famous people ad I told them about Halloween and meeting Cage The Elephant's backup guitarist. They knew who they were and seemed disappointed (like me) that he was an ass. Later, I started a nice talk about decade resolutions. Overall it was successful but, sadly, I don't think they'll be offering me a job.

Tophers a stupid drunk jealous loser. Thats what that whole house is full of, bros. on the other hand, I hate that I don't want to share them. I don't want to mix worlds and perceptions of me. I like those things in neat little boxes that I can control to my liking. I don't want people I don't trust mucking in my new affairs. I want them for myself and I don't want them to see through to the truth. The truth that I'm a scared, immature, loser who likes to put on different people to suit my mood and confidence level.

I'd also like to say I'm very excited that the Beccas back and that I'm kickin' it with her :D
I'm sorry that I've hurt you but I know I felt it needed to be done

I keep having this varying reoccurring dream where something happens and I either fight or run away but I can't do either very well. It's all in slow motion and I can't speed up or gain momentum. Or maybe I'm just not strong enough. It feels like I'm moving through heavy sand. And while I'm in the process of punching/running I feel shame and hopelessness because I'm pathetic and know it's going to suck and can't do even slightly better. The harder I try the harder it is to move. Phil also randomly pops up in these dreams as either a bystander/presence or the person I'm trying to hurt, but can't.

I have to buy a Helix pipe. Now I just need to find a place that sells it

Do you

ever just wonder how people like you?

HE SAID YES

PHIL ACCEPTED! Oh fuck does that make me so happy. In Sarah-crazytalk this means he misses me....? Oh god do I hope so. He seems so lonely, Im sure he just wants to have people he knows. But I dont care! I MISS HIM, I MISS HIM, I MISS HIM, I MISS HIM, I MISS HIM, I MISS HIM, I MISS HIM, I MISS so much. Its been weird because Ive been forgetting things about him, his presence is really leaving. This is both good and bad, but Im not ready to let go yet. I feel crazy but I dont care!

Resolutions

I was donating and one of the staff asked me what my 'decade resolution' is and I realized I don't have any resolutions. I decided I'm going to try and come up with some good resolutions before the 1st week ends of the new year

Resolutions for 2010:
1. Make myself truly happy
2. Quit smoking cigs
3. Get a job
4. Look nice
5. Clean more often
6. Eat less
7. Walk more
8. Be nice
9. Eat fiber
10. See more movies (in theaters)

Decade Resolutions: Have a house and a family

Message to Phil

I'm having a wonderful morning! Urban called and offered a temp day job which I'm super excited about. I also made Ashley breakfast (eggs in a basket). Oh what a day this will be
...
So I'm sitting here with Ash and was thinking about Phillip and decided to message him this. I don't miss him especially right now so I'm feeling level headed. But I do want him in my life. Things are well but I'm not all here, there's something missing and I know it's him. I think the message is not pushy or desperate yet still hopeful, which is what I was going for. We'll see what happens.

"Hey I know things didn't end well but can we try talking again, please? I miss your presence in my life and I was hoping you feel the same way. Not much, but enough to want to say hello.... ? If not, I hope you're doing well (in the sunshine)"

New Years

Yeah my first blog of the new year! Last night me, Sophie, Kyle and these two kids from Kenosha, Alex and Dylan, went to Seppa's for New Years Eve. We drank champagne and were merry. I kissed Seppa's roommate Quinn at midnight. He's cute and we had a nice talk and I overall had a fun time. We stopped at Becky's on the way back to my house and ended up staying and dancing (which is something I never do). I must've at least been doing it kind of right because a bunch of people wanted to dance with me :D Ashley was super trashed and kissed me. She also slept with us at my place. Oh what a night